


Warmth for a Dimming Sun

by SilentGhostWriter2017



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Gen, Happy Ending, Suicide Attempt, characters might be OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 08:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14076795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentGhostWriter2017/pseuds/SilentGhostWriter2017
Summary: Behind the smile and brightness, Hinata's light is dimming with each passing day. Sugawara discovers this, and tries to bring the warmth the dimming sun desperately needs. But when Hinata's mental stability collapses thanks to Kageyama, the light that is his heart threatens to extinguish. Will Sugawara be able to reach Hinata in time?





	Warmth for a Dimming Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Haikyuu or any of its characters. They belong to Furudate Haruichi.

Nothing is permanent, as the saying goes. Our emotions, our bodies, our minds, are all included in the equation. Each new day brings another round of different states. Sometimes we are happy, but happiness can give way to sadness and anger. The same applies to the world around us too, light dims to darkness, warmth freezes into cold.

These shifts can sometimes be seen in plain sight as daylight. But other times, it may be hidden away behind the façade of a false wall. As people, we tend to do that around others, be it to put up a front or to ensure the atmosphere is kept positive. And often, it comes at the expense of ourselves.

\-----

Everyone knows Hinata Shōyō as a ball of pure sunshine. From his name, hair color, and boundless energy. Some have called him the sun of the Karasuno Volleyball Club, which isn’t a misnomer thanks to his seemingly endless optimism and passion for the sport.

It is a known fact that Hinata is like the sun, even by those that find his optimism annoying (such as Kageyama and Tsukishima).

However, people forget that even for a sun, it sets, dims and fades into the horizon to make way for darkness. Behind the smiles, optimism, energy and loud, excited shouts of gibberish, darkness looms over the heart that keeps Hinata alive each day.

A heart…that with each passing day, is getting more exhausted, and on the verge of shutting down.

\------

Nobody has been able to tell when Hinata isn’t shining so brightly. It is certainly impossible to spot any changes when Hinata is in the midst of training with the team, amidst the squeaks of shoes against the polished wooden floor, the sound of volleyballs being tossed and spiked, and the shouts of “Nice receive!” or “Don’t mind!”.

But once the gym is locked for the night, and the team members bid each other farewell as they go their separate ways, the brightness that is Hinata begins to dim as he cycles further away from his teammates and back to his home.

By the time he is halfway there, all light in Hinata’s eyes and his bright smile have disappeared. His concentration on the road is the only thing stopping the by now repetitive sad, brooding thoughts from invading his mind.

Hinata felt exhausted, not just from practice, but exhausted in general. He thought he would get better, ever since he watched the Small Giant play on an electronics store television. He thought volleyball would be the antidote of years’ worth of pain, especially seeing his mother work so hard for him and his sister Natsu after their father died by suicide in the river in the valley, leaving the family in debt.

But volleyball only provided a temporary relief from the dark cloud that consumes him more and more each day. Like medication, it wears off, leaving a void for the darkness to fill.

And like medication, despite Hinata’s passion for volleyball, too much and too often is an impossibility. He had to deal with life outside of the sport, waking up everyday, food, water, shelter, going to sleep.

But the dealing part gets more and more difficult with each passing day.

Hinata had to stop his bicycle. He needed a moment to regain his composure. If he carried on any further, he will lose his concentration. He might crash into the vegetation, veer off the mountainside, or get run over by a vehicle…

Injury…

Death…

The second option sounds so appealing…

\--------

Hinata couldn’t remember the first time he had contemplated suicide. He did know that it was about a year or so after his father’s death. It was a trying time for his family indeed. Hinata remembered seeing his mother so stressed out balancing multiple jobs throughout the week. Money was also a problem, and Hinata felt a sting in his heart.

‘Mom would be better off taking care of just one child…’

Hinata remembered thinking that line, as he stood along a bridge, overlooking the valley and the river below. It wasn’t the same river where his father’s body was found, but the thought of just climbing over the railing and plunging to his death felt so inviting…so tempting…

But he didn’t.

At that moment, Hinata couldn’t bring himself to have the same fate as his father. He wants his death to be peaceful and painless, not letting history repeat itself. His mother and Natsu would be devastated, perhaps even more so, to the point that whatever stability they had managed to build up will collapse into an irreparable pile of rubble. He remembered walking away from the bridge and heading home, not mentioning it to anyone.

But that was at least three years ago. In those three years, the hopelessness ate away at his soul, and his will to carry on living. He continued to see his mother come home stressed out, sometimes taking out her frustrations on her children, or crying in the bedroom she once shared with his father, screaming at the man she loved for taking his own life instead of seeking help.

Nights go unslept, spent wallowing in the marathon of inner thoughts and voices, crushing him with words that screamed of guilt, shame, and worthlessness. Days are spent falling asleep in classes thanks to the insomnia during the night, and as a result, his grades haven’t been good.

The only reprieve had been volleyball and practices. But even that is slowly adding to his pain.

At the back of his mind, Hinata wondered how much longer can he still shine, before the light that is him goes dim and gets extinguished forever.

\-------

Sugawara Kōshi has always watched over the team, ever since he was a first-year when he just joined. Now as vice-captain, the duty of ensuring his teammates’ safety and wellbeing off and on the court never ebbed away.

Sugawara treats everyone with friendliness, even the grumpy salt-shaker that is Tsukishima. He sees potential in every one of his teammates, including Hinata.

When he thinks about that orange-haired ball of sunshine, Sugawara knows that with the right training, Hinata will go far, beyond the prefecturals and nationals, into the world of the Olympics, for example.

Sugawara is also fond of Hinata. He liked it whenever he sees that joyful smile on his kouhai’s face, and whenever his energy is up and passion is roaring for practice or matches, even in the latter situation, Hinata needs the necessary trip to the bathroom to calm his nerves.

But lately, Sugawara is becoming increasingly concerned.

Even if no one, not even Daichi or Kageyama, noticed the changes to the team’s ball of sunshine, Sugawara did. It started small, so subtle that the regular person wouldn’t have realized it unless they were looking extremely closely and knowing what they are looking for. The miniscule downward angle at the edges of Hinata’s smile, the slight dim in his bright eyes, and his energy levels half a notch below his usual.

Now, Sugawara had initially hoped that it was just a result of a bad day at school when he first noticed the changes. But when the changes not only persisted, but seemed to get worse little by little with each day, his concern grew.

Sugawara knew it was better to nip the problem early before it gets any worse. He responds with more attention towards Hinata, though subtle to not let the orange-head catch on and possibly seal himself away behind a wall. Suga relied on simple deeds, be it one extra compliment, or just passing Hinata his bottle during the break.

It seemed to work at first, but as time progressed, these little acts of kindness are soon outweighed by the progressing negative changes.

A week after he first discovered that something was wrong with Hinata, Sugawara knew that he had to intervene. Although still minute, Hinata’s smile has become forced, his loud shouts come out softer, and instead of happily chatting with his teammates, Hinata is increasingly spotted by the setter sitting on the steps outside the gym, staring into space, ignoring his surroundings with a melancholic aura surrounding him.

When the next break is announced, and Sugawara sees Hinata sitting alone on the steps again. He walks over to the spacing-out middle-blocker.

“Hinata?”

“Suga-san? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing much, I just thought you were chatting with the others.” the third-year replies as he sits down next to Hinata.

“I just need some alone time. I’m fine, Suga-san, really.”

‘I can see you aren’t, Hinata.’ Sugawara inwardly contradicts, ‘Please let me help you.’

“Is there anything you want to tell me?”

“N-No, there’s nothing to tell, Suga-san.”

Sugawara wanted to gently press further, when the whistle signaling the end of the break echoed behind them. Hinata immediately got up and retreated back into the gym, taking training as the excuse he needed to get away from this conversation.

\------

The conversation turns out to be a double-edged sword. Even though it helped Sugawara know that Hinata needed help, it seemed to also trigger alarm bells for the orange-haired middle-blocker.

Now that he knows that someone else knows that he isn’t being his usual self, Hinata continued to brick himself up in the wall further.

_‘You really are pathetic, Hinata. You got Suga-san concerned about you. You don’t deserve anyone’s pity.’_

The negative swirl of emotions and thoughts grew with each subsequent day. At school, Hinata didn’t utter a single word to his friends in class, spoke only when needed, and nodded off more often due to the continuance of his nighttime insomnia. Volleyball practice added to the exacerbation on his soul. His concentration faltered, his shouts come out half-hearted, and many of his spikes came at only half his energy-capacity or missed their intended target.

Hinata plays off these as a result of lack of sleep when questioned, promising to do better. But Sugawara saw these as warning signs that whatever was dimming Hinata’s light was rapidly advancing.

Things came to a head when during a practice match within the team, Hinata missed Kageyama’s spike for the third time, costing his side a point. The ravenette’s frustration exploded as he grabbed the smaller boy by the collar of his jersey.

“Hinata you dumbass! Why have your spikes become sloppy?! Are you even focusing?!”

“Kageyama! Calm down!” Tanaka called out, “We’ll get the next one!”

“Are you even trying at all, you useless dumbass?!”

…

…

…

_‘I…can’t.’_

***crack***

_‘I…can’t do this…’_

***crack***

_‘…anymore.’_

It is an unfortunate twist of fate that Kageyama’s voice sounded more vicious and critical thanks to a rough day at school. Unbeknownst to everyone, Hinata’s mental and emotional state cracked, and then collapsed. Instead of retorting back like he would normally do, Hinata let his head droop, his body trembling slightly.

“Gomen, Kageyama. You’re right, I am useless. I’m sorry.”

It came as a whisper, inaudible to everyone except for Kageyama. But the impact hit him like a brick. Kageyama’s voice ceased, his eyes widened and his grip on Hinata’s collar slackened. He clearly hadn’t expected Hinata to just admit things without putting up a fight. The middle-blocker released himself, turning around towards Coach Ukai.

“Coach…may I use the bathroom? My stomach isn’t feeling too good.”

Although just as surprised as everyone (even Tsukishima) by the sudden drop in Hinata’s overall demeanor, Ukai gave him permission, before calling a five-minute water break for the others.

Hinata left the gym briskly. But instead of heading to the restrooms, he made his way back to the club room. As he moved, the first teardrop came, and fell. Then the second, and then the third. By the time he had managed to somehow change and grab his bag, tears cascaded down Hinata’s cheeks as sobs threatened to wrack his throat.

Wiping away his tears, Hinata left the room. Not bothering to close the door, he made a beeline for his parked bicycle, unlocked it, before taxing it out from the stand. Hinata shakily mounted his bicycle, before pedaling out of gates as fast as he could.

\--------

“Hang on, where’s Hinata?”

Ukai had just ordered the team to get back into position after the break ended. It took a few seconds for someone, in this case Yamaguchi, to realize that a certain orange-haired middle-blocker wasn’t among them.

“Is he still in the bathroom?” Nishinoya asked.

“But it’s been more than five minutes already.” Tanaka remarked, “And normally here, he doesn’t take that long…”

“Well, let’s give him five more minutes.” Daichi finally said, “In the mean time, everyone form up!”

Five minutes turned to ten. Ten minutes to fifteen. And fifteen minutes turned to twenty. By then, everyone knew that something wasn’t quite right.

“Kageyama! Go look for Hinata and find out what’s holding him up.” Daichi ordered.

The raven-haired setter grumbled quietly, but nonetheless made for the door.

“Sumimasen, may I go look for him instead?”

All eyes turn to Sugawara, who looked really sick with worry.

“Suga?”

“Daichi, Coach, may I go look for Hinata?” the silver-haired setter repeated his request, “I think there is something very wrong. Did anyone else notice how despondent he was when Kageyama was shouting at him?”

At the mention of his name, Kageyama looked away in shame. The others glanced at each other and at Kageyama in surprise.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” Sugawara continued, “It’s been happening for a while already.”

“What do you mean?” asked Daichi.

“The light in his eyes, his smile…they are all dimming. He’s forcing himself to smile and to be energetic, to upkeep appearances to hide that something is troubling him and to keep it from us. I’m not sure how much longer he can keep things hidden, which is why I want to find him.”

The court stayed silent for a moment after Sugawara explained his case. An uncertain atmosphere settled among everyone. Truth be told, no one had noticed Hinata acting out of the ordinary in previous practices, but if the incident with Kageyama had been any indication, something was affecting their sunshine middle-blocker negatively.

“Alright.” Ukai nodded gravely, “You go search for Hinata, Sugawara. Keep us updated.”

The setter nodded, before rushing out of the gym. He had plans to search all the restrooms near the gym to see if Hinata had hidden himself away in one of them. But as he was about to do so, he passed the club room.

‘Wait…why is the door open?’

Staring at the ajar door for a moment, Sugawara wondered if Hinata was inside by any chance. His hopes are dashed when he checked to find no one in the room. However, there had been traces of someone inside, and upon closer inspection, Suga noticed an alarming detail.

Hinata’s belongings were missing.

Alarm bells blared to life in the setter’s head. Rushing out of the club room, he clambered down the stairs. He headed straight for the bicycle-stands, only to have his worst fears come true.

Hinata’s bicycle was also gone. Which meant…

Sugawara dashed back to the gym, pulling the door open frantically.

“Suga! Did you find Hinata?”

“Coach!” the setter ignored Daichi’s question, “I need you to drive me to Hinata’s house now!”

“Huh? Why? What’s wrong?” the older man asked, immediately noticing the setter's frantic tone.

“Hinata’s gone! His bag and bicycle are both missing!”

The entire court is thrown into disarray. Hinata’s gone? But he said he was going to the bathroom. Questions are thrown about, worry gracing everyone’s faces. Even Kageyama had an uncharacteristically concerned expression replacing his usual scowl.

“I think he is about to do something really drastic! Please Coach! There isn’t much time!”

Understanding the gravity of the situation, Ukai immediately agreed. Practice is called off as coach and setter race out of the gym and towards the school carpark. They hop into Ukai’s car, buckle up, and speed out of the school compound as fast as they can.

\-------

Meanwhile, Hinata has returned home. The house is empty, his mother away at work and his sister at daycare until evening. Perfect…no one will disturb him from his eventual, much-sought after rest.

Letting his bicycle fall into the garden, Hinata saunters in. He cuts through the house to the kitchen, where a medical cabinet stands. He slowly opens it, an array of bottles of different sizes and colors stare back down at him. His sight zeroes in on one particular bottle.

Sleeping pills.

Hinata has seen his mother take these pills every now and again. He wondered to himself, why haven’t I been using them too? He has insomnia that seems to never alleviate, it should be natural to take one pill a night. He wouldn’t nod off so often in class…

Oh…that’s right. It is not a permanent solution to his problems. One pill only goes so far, before reality pulls him to the ground again. But…what about more than one pill? What about…all the pills?

Hinata takes the bottle out from the cabinet. It is a relatively new bottle, about four-fifths full. It should be enough.

Closing the cabinet, Hinata heads to his room. Kneeling down, Hinata uncaps the bottle, and pours out some of the pills. All of them are white, unmoving, sitting innocently in his palm. Hinata closes his eyes, his earlier emotions dying into numbness, save for his tears, silently spilling from his dull eyes.

‘Sayonara…minna.’

\---------

Ukai’s car pulls up the front gate of Hinata’s house. Sugawara and his coach scramble out of the car, and rush through the gate. The setter spots Hinata’s bicycle lying on it’s side in the garden, adding to his franticness.

“Hinata!” Ukai shouts as he kicks the front door down, “Hinata, where are you?!”

No response comes.

“Sugawara, let’s split up!”

“Hai!”

Coach and setter go in the opposite directions. While Ukai checks the living room and kitchen, Sugawara checks the bedrooms. He eventually comes to Hinata’s room.

“Hinata! Are you in he-”

…

…

…

Hinata kneels a few steps in front of him, back turned towards the door. Dull, orange eyes meet widened, brown ones. In his hand, just centimeters from his lips, are dozens of sleeping pills, waiting to be swallowed to extinguish the light that has dimmed to mere embers.

Sugawara reacts immediately. He lunges towards his kouhai, knocking him over and sending the pills flying throughout the room, landing with incoherent taps against the surfaces they land on.

“Let me go!!”

“No!”

Hinata puts up a fight, a last ditch attempt to push his senpai off of him and to proceed with what he had planned. He struggles against Sugawara’s strong arms holding him back from the half-filled bottle that is only just out of reach.

“Please let me go! I don’t want this life anymore!”

“No! I will not let you go! Please, Hinata! Let me help you!”

“I don’t deserve help!”

Sugawara holds onto Hinata for dear life. He can’t let his kouhai end his life. It is a senpai’s duty to help their struggling kouhai. He’d be damned if he let go now. Hinata tries to reach for the bottle again. Sugawara responds by pulling Hinata away, scuttling back against a wall, still holding the shorter boy tightly in his arms. Finally, Sugawara’s efforts pay off after God knows how long. Hinata’s struggles weaken, and he stops moving in his arms. However, where adrenaline leaves, emotion takes over.

“W-Why? Why Suga-senpai?” Hinata sobs, “Why can’t you let me die? W-Why c-can’t you let me stop b-being a b-burden…?”

“You are never a burden, Hinata!” Sugawara exclaims, feeling his own tears well in his eyes from the shock of hearing such words from his kouhai, “Not to me, not to the team, and especially not to your family! We all love you, Hinata!”

“S-Stop lying, Suga-senpai!” the orange-haired middle-blocker chokes in an attempt to shout, “I am a burden! Can’t you see that?! My mom…she struggles to take care of Natsu and I because of my dad’s suicide. She comes home tired and stressed everyday! And my spikes, didn’t you see how messed up they are? Don’t you agree with what Kageyama said?! That I am a useless burden?!”

If anything, Sugawara knew the words spewing out of Hinata’s mouth are the lies. But Hinata doesn’t know that. Years of despair, self-deprecation and anxiety had virtually destroyed his optimism. His light had dimmed to the point that there is almost nothing left to see beyond the darkness that has enveloped his soul.

In the cold darkness, his soul screamed for help, support…and warmth.

Sugawara stayed silent, waiting for all pent-up emotion to drain from Hinata’s soul. The smaller boy’s rambled shouts die down into soft hiccups. The tears continued to flow from his dull eyes, but he doesn’t have the strength to wipe them away. Hinata just stays still, in his senpai’s arms, crying.

“I’m scared…Suga-senpai, I feel s-so…alone. It’s so c-cold…I don’t want to live like this…”

Hearing his once-bright kouhai so broken and helpless, Sugawara felt his own tears trail down his cheeks as he embraced Hinata tighter. His own heart cried for his kouhai. For such a bright and optimistic person, Hinata had gone through far too much. Hinata needed help, and Sugawara…no…not just Sugawara himself, but everyone that Hinata loves must come to his aid.

“It’s okay, Hinata.” the silver-haired setter soothed, “You’re not alone. I’m here, you have the team, your friends, and your family. We will all help you. Please trust me, Hinata.”

Hinata stays silent for a moment, as if contemplating his senpai’s words. Suga inwardly prayed to the heavens to allow Hinata to see the first spots of light in his darkness. His prayers are answered, when amidst his tears, Hinata nods against his chest.

“P-Please help me…S-Suga-senpai.”

“You have my word, Hinata.”

Senpai and kouhai hug each other tightly, the tension in the air dissipating. Sugawara feels a hand on his shoulder. Glancing to the side, he sees Ukai kneeling next to him, a relieved and proud smile gracing his face. The third-year nodded, now is the time for healing.

Hinata and Sugawara knew the road ahead would be far from easy. Healing from years of pain and despair will not happen overnight. But Sugawara hoped that with his and everyone else’s help, they will be able to bring their sunshine middle-blocker back into the warmth of the light.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, this is my first fanfic for the Haikyuu fandom. I tried my best to portray the characters' personalities as close to the canon as possible, but they might still be OOC. Please leave kudos and comments, constructive feedback will be greatly appreciated!


End file.
